Dear Horse, Please Forgive Me (As I Forgive Myself)

Have you ever done something to a horse that you have later regretted? Have you forgiven yourself for that infraction? We already have a lot of things to think about when it comes to riding. Post on the correct diagonal, left lead, right lead, bend, release, lengthen stride, half halt, flying change, breathe, stay calm, ride out the buck, give a pat, etc. Yes, riding in itself requires a lot of mental and physical concentration and evaluation, but what about how we feel about ourselves, deep down in that place we don’t always like to go? In The Compassionate Equestrian we talk a lot about the human’s relationship not only with their horse, but also with themselves and other people. Why? Well, if you are getting on a horse while harboring residual guilt, high emotions, frustrations, anger, or any other number of negative feelings chances are the horse is going to be suffering in some way based on the extent to which you let your emotions affect your life.

This exercise of compassionate self-forgiveness is not necessarily easy. It is actually easier to try to mask it behind all kinds of interesting behaviors. Bravado, ego, boundary issues, judgment of others, and blaming of oneself for everything that goes awry. This is harsh. It can lead to deprecating self-talk that is anything but compassionate and we can make ourselves believe that we deserve “punishment” for whatever it is we think we have done “wrong.”

String Angels 'Romancing the Horse'

photo: http://www.equestrianlife.com.au String Angels “Romancing the Horse” Sarah Moir

Understanding equine behavior legitimately helps us understand human behavior, especially when referring to the neurochemistry of the brain that is the engine for all instinctive actions. If we strip away everything we have done that builds our identity as a specialized human… the education, the jobs, the material goods – who are we? What are we?

At the basis of all species’ behaviors is the will to survive and reproduce. It is the driver behind almost everything animals and we do at the most fundamental level. Unfortunately, it is also the cause of many guilt-trips, misunderstandings, heartbreaks and aggressive behaviors amongst human beings. If you think hard about everything you might still be carrying with you that you may wish to be forgiven for, you will likely find a very specific need behind your behavior, and behind your feelings about your behavior.

I can think of many instances where I would love to ask my former horses for forgiveness. Since they can’t respond personally, my best course of action is to heal myself of any lingering guilt over those episodes and compassionately forgive myself. I might have been upset about something and surprised a horse with an angry reaction or perhaps had to sell or give away a horse due to personal circumstances. It was a matter of survival and gut-reactions to the need to quickly get away from someone or something that was having an adverse effect on my life. One can only imagine how many horses have ended up in extenuating circumstances due to divorces and relationships abruptly coming to an end.

I recently watched the movie Blue Jasmine by Woody Allen. The complexity of the characters and the questions raised are classic… the beautiful, eloquent New York socialite married to a husband whose wealth came from illicit gains. In spite of having everything in the material world one could want, including horses, it was the husband’s cheating with younger women and the wife’s denial of the circumstances that eventually led her to a nervous breakdown. Then her conditioned behavior cost her a potentially wonderful relationship with someone else, leading to yet another breakdown. Sometimes I wonder if the horses are also heart-broken and affected by having people around them who have been betrayed and hurt by others. I am quite sure they feel it too.

I also have clients and friends with horses who have found themselves in similar situations, and some who have become seriously ill, and I have watched their horses’ behavior change accordingly. In Nonviolent Communication we are taught that while other people can be the stimulus of our anger, they cannot be the cause of it. This can be hard to fathom until we are taught how to respond to others who we feel may have caused us harm.

“The cause of anger lies in our thinking – in thoughts of blame and judgment” (M.B. Rosenberg, PhD, Nonviolent Communication, p.143)

If we continue through life without loving, comforting, and forgiving whatever it is we need to forgive ourselves or others for, the psychological effects continue to wear on our nervous systems. The results of long-term stress on the body due to high levels of neurochemicals such as cortisol may have a deepening effect on overall health, even leading to depression and related illnesses.

To move on and have a positive effect on our horses, and everyone in the barn, not to mention us and other people in our midst, the practice of compassionate self-forgiveness can open the doors to a healthier future.

In an article suggested by Dr. Schoen, the authors write how compassionate self-forgiveness is like a return ticket to home:

“It dissolves judgments and brings a healing balm of Compassion to the places inside where there is emotional pain. Without this process, freedom from emotional suffering would be impossible. You’d exist eternally in a self-created hell where you’d erect buildings, rituals, and philosophies all supporting the evils of rosebushes, none of which would do anything toward releasing the thorn. You’d be like the proverbial prodigal son—only you’d never find your way home.

Compassionate Self-Forgiveness is your return ticket and the simplest and most effective way we know of returning home. It’s through the healing action of forgiving yourself for judging that you are liberated. Why Compassionate Self-Forgiveness? Because the word ‘compassion’ means to ‘be with’ someone who is suffering—but to be with them in a Loving way. It is an action of the Heart.”

 (33 Days of Awakening Through Loyalty to Your Soul; Freedom Through Compassionate Self-Forgiveness, University of Santa Monica online, Worldwide Center for the Study and Practice of Spiritual Psychology; http://www.usmonline.org)

It reminds me of one of my favorite songs by the band, Enigma (and this video mix is a must-watch for the absolutely stunning shots of horses):

 “Return To Innocence”

http://youtu.be/1bi1iMPVIY0

That’s not the beginning of the end

That’s the return to yourself
The return to innocence
Love – Devotion
Feeling – Emotion
Love – Devotion
Feeling – Emotion
Don’t be afraid to be weak
Don’t be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don’t hide
Just believe in destiny
Don’t care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don’t give up and use the chance
To return to innocence
That’s not the beginning of the end
That’s the return to yourself
The return to innocence
Don’t care what people say
Follow just your own way Follow just your own way
Don’t give up, don’t give up
To return, to return to innocence.
If you want then laugh
If you must then cry
Be yourself don’t hide
Just believe in destiny.

     The bottom line is, yes, the horse has a brain structure similar to ours that seeks survival and mates. This has been part of the evolution of vertebrates and continues evolving to this day. If we allow things like attachments and desires to control our responses to life, it is likely we will find ourselves seeking forgiveness rather frequently. On the upside, we have the opportunity to work towards self-actualization and enlightenment, transcending the foibles of that hindbrain and making good use of our higher intellect.

The horse that made us angry by spooking at a stray dog on the trail might or might not respond to a request for forgiveness, as all it knows is that it was responding to stimuli. If you overreacted and hit your horse for spooking, you know it could have an effect on how your horse reacts the next time it spooks. It might be worse or prolonged, also anticipating your angry smack along with the fright of the stimulus. It is the same lack of trust that surfaces in human relationships when one does something to another that does not satisfy the other’s basic needs, such as safety and comfort.

In much the same manner, we are often confounded when our spouses or partners do not seem to understand why we become upset over their desire to be with somebody else. In human beings it is a simple matter of males being capable of reproductive behavior much longer than females, hence the seeking of younger mates, whether conscious of that fact or not. Again, it is instinctive responses to stimuli, based solely on brain chemistry and lacking the benefit of communicating with a compassionate heart and mind. Then we invent all kinds of reasons in our minds to provoke ourselves with pain and suffering due to the other person’s behavior, and the cycle continues.

Like last week’s post about jealousy in animals, so much of what we are all about is a lot of chemistry. Unlike animals, we humans add complexity to the instinctual behaviors with the acquisition of goods and financial issues, creating the basis for many heated disputes amongst couples.

It makes me glad to be relationship-free at the moment. There is a benefit to having no drama, no attachments, and no reasons to provoke anguish in myself. Although I have moments too, but a happy, loving heart makes those moments of doubt very brief. I love to make other people smile, and horses seem to know that too. So do dogs by their distinctive responses to genuinely happy, content people.

Looking at the root causes of those rare moments of doubt or grief… do I need to ask for forgiveness from others (horses and/or humans)? Do I need to be more compassionate and ask for self-forgiveness? How many times did my lack of compassion for myself affect the way I handled horses? I know for certain it affected the way I dealt with clients and people I worked with at the barns. I have no problem saying I am sorry. So for everyone and anyone, horses included, that I slighted or hurt in any way, please forgive me. Note to self… return ticket acquired and I’m on the way home.

We can only forgive ourselves to the extent that we are still in a human body, with a human mind, and affected by the genetic makeup and biochemistry we were born with. With that knowledge, be kind to yourself, love yourself, and be forgiving. Your self will thank you, as will your horse.

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